Wahoo, this is brilliant in its raw vulnerability and hilarious realism! I know, it’s not funny. But when we clearly are living the same life we can see the humour in it, as if the Universe is saying ‘oh yeah?, take this!’.
I am almost sixty and living this life. When I was going through the heart shattering elder care of my parents, my friends who had walked the path before me said things would be much better…after. And they are because I don’t have to be a regular witness to great human suffering, yet I am still floundering a little.
I take comfort that apparently seventy year old folks are the happiest of folks.
OMG are you spying on me? Bird apps and turmeric and physical therapy pretty much sums me up now. Mom just died so that part is over thank the lord, but the elder care part of life has been brutal and unforgiving and unexpected in its totality. Thanks for laying it all out for us like a mirror. Hang in there! xo
So many explosions both welcomed and unwelcomed. Once I embraced my own mortality I became free from the fear of dying and death and since then see Death as a friend, the final step on the road to freedom. A release from any burdens I may have dragged along unwittingly. In the meantime, having passed 80, seven years ago and still kicking the can down the road, grateful for every day.
Having made arrangements in advance for life care, our kids will not have the worry or care for us in our final days. Not everyone is able to do that and for those caring for an elderly, unwell, parent the challenges are large and continuous. It's true we're older than we have ever been and younger than we wll ever be so we what we can do is to get on with it the best ways we can.
Just yesterday I was scrolling down through my list of subscriptions and saw your name and thought, "I wonder how she's doing, how things are going with her dad." And then just hours later there you were in my inbox. I'm so happy to hear from you and so sorry things are so hard. My mum has changed lately, she still seems to know me, but can't really follow what I'm saying. They've moved her to a Broda chair and are using a Hoyer lift to move her. I insist on calling it a winch because I know it would have cracked her up when she still found things funny. I got a call this morning letting me know she's having trouble breathing. They are worried about pneumonia. You reach a point where the only good news is bad news, but thinking of bad news as good news makes you feel guilty. There is no acceptable way to hope for your parent's death, even when it's done with exquisite compassion. Rock, meet hard place. Sending you so much love and virtual support. Thank you for sharing all of this with us. You're just fabulous.
Thanks so much, Tara! I'm sorry things are so tough with your mom. I know all about the Hoyer lift and bad news/good news - part of this chapter, I guess. Dad is actually doing so much better, I'm realizing that I didn't capture that. He's home now, which is so good for him but means that I'm #1 caregiver. Hoping for his continued independence, but I fear we're one bad day away from catastrophe again. Clinging to the good days. Sending you tons of love and virtual support, too - we need all we can get at this stage. 💚
“I think too much about purpose. I assumed this would be figured out by now. Instead, I’m sixty without purpose. I worry that I do nothing, but am so very drawn to doing nothing. Drawn like a moth to the flame of doing nothing”
Lately I have noticed a recently retired friend of mine always going on about how busy she is. I think to myself ‘For gods sake — just stop and take a breath!!’ Relax!! You’re allowed!!
Thanks for your eloquent thoughts on this special age I have just myself reached!!
Love this Lisa. Thanks for your refreshingly honest and real glimpse into the future. At 51, I already have the bird app, so am ahead of the game! Wishing you all the best as you step into your third act 😃
I'm 64 and so much of what you're experiencing is behind me, which makes me sigh with relief. Mum died in 2017 from pancreatic cancer and dad died in 2019 from dementia and a brain tumour. I returned to full time work which took me through the pandemic and beyond and now, I've glided to a halt whilst continuing to ponder about meaning and purpose.
Goodness, sixty does seem to involve an awful lot of management, doesn't it! (And yes, I got the Merlin app, but I was 59 then, maybe it only unlocks at 60!)
I am so touched by this piece. You've hit on so many visceral points. I am 55 and relate to all of this. You've written this beautifully and spoken for so many, about things that make us feel alone. Thank you ❤️.
I’ll be 58 in August. Was reading along, nodding my head, feeling the feels, and then I got to ‘my father is a full time job’ and stopped in my tracks. I feel seen.
I just spent THE.DAY with him, going over his bank account, reminding him how few dollars he has to spend each month, took him grocery shopping (which has become my weekly Cross)…
And he’s mobile (cum walker). And fairly independent. I think what brings me down the most is that this, as hard as it is, is likely as good as it will ever be, and it will very likely get worse, eventually.
(I won’t mention my mother…)
I want to crawl into a hole for the next 20 years and emerge for my own old age.
“I sleep like a degenerate queen, with many pillows propping the troubled parts,” is so right on! There’s 5 on my bed and I sleep alone! I’m a smidge older than you but resonate with so much of what you’re going through and just adore the way you express your (our) shared experiences!
I am 59. I can't remember the last time I felt so seen.
Wahoo, this is brilliant in its raw vulnerability and hilarious realism! I know, it’s not funny. But when we clearly are living the same life we can see the humour in it, as if the Universe is saying ‘oh yeah?, take this!’.
I am almost sixty and living this life. When I was going through the heart shattering elder care of my parents, my friends who had walked the path before me said things would be much better…after. And they are because I don’t have to be a regular witness to great human suffering, yet I am still floundering a little.
I take comfort that apparently seventy year old folks are the happiest of folks.
Thanks for this excellent essay Lisa.
OMG are you spying on me? Bird apps and turmeric and physical therapy pretty much sums me up now. Mom just died so that part is over thank the lord, but the elder care part of life has been brutal and unforgiving and unexpected in its totality. Thanks for laying it all out for us like a mirror. Hang in there! xo
Loved every word of this. (I just turned 50, and your description of that phase, and the ones before it, is dead on.)
So many explosions both welcomed and unwelcomed. Once I embraced my own mortality I became free from the fear of dying and death and since then see Death as a friend, the final step on the road to freedom. A release from any burdens I may have dragged along unwittingly. In the meantime, having passed 80, seven years ago and still kicking the can down the road, grateful for every day.
Having made arrangements in advance for life care, our kids will not have the worry or care for us in our final days. Not everyone is able to do that and for those caring for an elderly, unwell, parent the challenges are large and continuous. It's true we're older than we have ever been and younger than we wll ever be so we what we can do is to get on with it the best ways we can.
Just yesterday I was scrolling down through my list of subscriptions and saw your name and thought, "I wonder how she's doing, how things are going with her dad." And then just hours later there you were in my inbox. I'm so happy to hear from you and so sorry things are so hard. My mum has changed lately, she still seems to know me, but can't really follow what I'm saying. They've moved her to a Broda chair and are using a Hoyer lift to move her. I insist on calling it a winch because I know it would have cracked her up when she still found things funny. I got a call this morning letting me know she's having trouble breathing. They are worried about pneumonia. You reach a point where the only good news is bad news, but thinking of bad news as good news makes you feel guilty. There is no acceptable way to hope for your parent's death, even when it's done with exquisite compassion. Rock, meet hard place. Sending you so much love and virtual support. Thank you for sharing all of this with us. You're just fabulous.
Thanks so much, Tara! I'm sorry things are so tough with your mom. I know all about the Hoyer lift and bad news/good news - part of this chapter, I guess. Dad is actually doing so much better, I'm realizing that I didn't capture that. He's home now, which is so good for him but means that I'm #1 caregiver. Hoping for his continued independence, but I fear we're one bad day away from catastrophe again. Clinging to the good days. Sending you tons of love and virtual support, too - we need all we can get at this stage. 💚
Oh I resonate so strongly with so much here Lisa:
“I think too much about purpose. I assumed this would be figured out by now. Instead, I’m sixty without purpose. I worry that I do nothing, but am so very drawn to doing nothing. Drawn like a moth to the flame of doing nothing”
Lately I have noticed a recently retired friend of mine always going on about how busy she is. I think to myself ‘For gods sake — just stop and take a breath!!’ Relax!! You’re allowed!!
Thanks for your eloquent thoughts on this special age I have just myself reached!!
I just love every word you write, whether you’re sixty or six hundred, I’m here for it! And I’m sixty one, so there.
Belated birthday wishes! x
Love this Lisa. Thanks for your refreshingly honest and real glimpse into the future. At 51, I already have the bird app, so am ahead of the game! Wishing you all the best as you step into your third act 😃
I'm 64 and so much of what you're experiencing is behind me, which makes me sigh with relief. Mum died in 2017 from pancreatic cancer and dad died in 2019 from dementia and a brain tumour. I returned to full time work which took me through the pandemic and beyond and now, I've glided to a halt whilst continuing to ponder about meaning and purpose.
Goodness, sixty does seem to involve an awful lot of management, doesn't it! (And yes, I got the Merlin app, but I was 59 then, maybe it only unlocks at 60!)
I am so touched by this piece. You've hit on so many visceral points. I am 55 and relate to all of this. You've written this beautifully and spoken for so many, about things that make us feel alone. Thank you ❤️.
I’ll be 58 in August. Was reading along, nodding my head, feeling the feels, and then I got to ‘my father is a full time job’ and stopped in my tracks. I feel seen.
I just spent THE.DAY with him, going over his bank account, reminding him how few dollars he has to spend each month, took him grocery shopping (which has become my weekly Cross)…
And he’s mobile (cum walker). And fairly independent. I think what brings me down the most is that this, as hard as it is, is likely as good as it will ever be, and it will very likely get worse, eventually.
(I won’t mention my mother…)
I want to crawl into a hole for the next 20 years and emerge for my own old age.
“I sleep like a degenerate queen, with many pillows propping the troubled parts,” is so right on! There’s 5 on my bed and I sleep alone! I’m a smidge older than you but resonate with so much of what you’re going through and just adore the way you express your (our) shared experiences!
I feel this just shy of 50. I wonder what 60 will hold. Thank you for this beautiful honesty.
66 and mine is nothing like yours. and yet, yes. exactly so.