I have been the social planner/organizer for most of my adult life, and since I went through menopause two years ago “after decades of hyperengagement with others, I’m realizing that their happiness is not my job” might be the truest thing I’ve read in ages. I suddenly feel overstimulated by everything. I also stopped drinking last year, and that just added to the desire to shed friends and activities that don’t serve me. I, too, just want silence and space. I feel like I’m returning to the quiet/nerdy/bookish girl I was before puberty hit and social expectations took on a 40 year chokehold. Thank you for validating this very real feeling.
Much identification with this. Just read 'What Fresh Hell Is This' (is that the title? Ironic, forgetting the name of a book about menopause ...) and I love what she says about becoming less patient with certain people /things not because our patience has shrunk, but because we've been stretching ourselves too far out of shape for decades and we finally find a reasonable place... Glad to have found your writing x
I so relate to this Lisa. Since perimenopause arrived, the desire to be alone is strong and it's an ongoing struggle to figure out how to maintain connections and community through this, how to not neglect important relationships while maintaining my need for quiet and solitude. I often wonder, when I finally emerge from my bubble, will anyone still be there? Thanks for articulating some of these issues so beautifully and letting me know I'm not alone 😊
As a husband of 25 years, I really appreciate this perspective. BTW Virginia Woolf’s £500 income in 1929 would be about £188,000 in today’s money based on the sterling gold price (£4.24 / oz 1929 --> £1,507 / oz in on Friday), so unless she had her room in Mayfair, London or Upper East Side Manhattan it would have been a very nice room indeed...
At 68, I consider myself to be at the very end of middle age, and yes, some might call my age something else, but looking back over the last 20 years I certainly see the evolution from feeling I have to take care of everyone else and their needs, to being more aware and comfortable with what I need and want. I enjoy my own company and feel less inclined to constantly socialize.
I feel so validated by this! I never knew this may a thing related to phase of life -- I have been attributing it to my introverted nature. I do indeed crave my alone time, and in fact LOVE to travel alone (although I love traveling with my husband too). Thanks for the great essay.
Beautifully and artfully written. Couldn’t have expressed it better. I’m 67 and am on the other side, but let’s just put it out there that perimenopause is very real, yet it’s only the dress rehearsal for the real thing. I waited until retirement to free myself from a 40 year marriage that had gone south. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve ever been alone and I know I may be in a healing stage but I couldn’t love it more!
Aug 12, 2023·edited Aug 12, 2023Liked by Lisa Renee
I'm in this place too and yes yes yes to everything you wrote! Feels like the juice was sucked out the minute the fruit ripened and it takes time to find the "new me" but more interesting than puberty was. I feel more curious, creative, and confident that I am learning myself my way, not through hideous and exhausting social filters. Solitude is as crucial to me as air.
This is such a wonderful post. Thank you. I have found my reactions to be somewhat different than yours. "My relationship with life itself has changed. Where I was bold, I am now cautious. Where I was blissfully oblivious, I am now hyperaware." I am feeling the opposite. I had a precarious childhood and many of my young adult decisions were fear based. So know, settled and comfortable in my life, I am bold where I once was cautious. When I used to be hyperaware, I am now oblivious. And let me tell you, I love it!
Love this Lisa... it’s so true. In my work I often say to women this is the point where they get to say “this is my time” and to give less fecks about others and what they think, and more fecks about themselves (feck is an Irish, less shouty version of the usual word 😅). I certainly need far more time alone... so often saying being divorced is perfect... you have every other weekend to yourself when the kids go to their dads 😂
I love this. On so many levels. Solitude. Me space. Give much less (to no) thought about what the world expects of me. Oh, and that opening quote: Amen. Thank you for this.
I so relate to this… at the same time, with those I love, it also reminds me of the quote, “if only I could, I would absorb your pain and return it to you as love.”
In my meno brain fog, I’m not sure who said it… but quietly, on my island here… it’s what I wish. 😊
You hit the nail on the head with this one! My husband simply said to me yesterday morning. "You want me to just be quiet now right? I can tell." Me: "Mmmhmmm." This morning he was out fishing early. I haven't said a word since I woke up or seen a soul and it's bliss. Thanks for this. I've just subscribed and looking forward to reading more of your work.
All so recognisable. The older I get, the fewer people I can tolerate around me. Being on my own a fair bit is very important. I'm way past menopause (67) but have welcomed this different life with open arms. I never knew I could be so misanthropic!
I have been the social planner/organizer for most of my adult life, and since I went through menopause two years ago “after decades of hyperengagement with others, I’m realizing that their happiness is not my job” might be the truest thing I’ve read in ages. I suddenly feel overstimulated by everything. I also stopped drinking last year, and that just added to the desire to shed friends and activities that don’t serve me. I, too, just want silence and space. I feel like I’m returning to the quiet/nerdy/bookish girl I was before puberty hit and social expectations took on a 40 year chokehold. Thank you for validating this very real feeling.
Much identification with this. Just read 'What Fresh Hell Is This' (is that the title? Ironic, forgetting the name of a book about menopause ...) and I love what she says about becoming less patient with certain people /things not because our patience has shrunk, but because we've been stretching ourselves too far out of shape for decades and we finally find a reasonable place... Glad to have found your writing x
I so relate to this Lisa. Since perimenopause arrived, the desire to be alone is strong and it's an ongoing struggle to figure out how to maintain connections and community through this, how to not neglect important relationships while maintaining my need for quiet and solitude. I often wonder, when I finally emerge from my bubble, will anyone still be there? Thanks for articulating some of these issues so beautifully and letting me know I'm not alone 😊
As a husband of 25 years, I really appreciate this perspective. BTW Virginia Woolf’s £500 income in 1929 would be about £188,000 in today’s money based on the sterling gold price (£4.24 / oz 1929 --> £1,507 / oz in on Friday), so unless she had her room in Mayfair, London or Upper East Side Manhattan it would have been a very nice room indeed...
At 68, I consider myself to be at the very end of middle age, and yes, some might call my age something else, but looking back over the last 20 years I certainly see the evolution from feeling I have to take care of everyone else and their needs, to being more aware and comfortable with what I need and want. I enjoy my own company and feel less inclined to constantly socialize.
I feel so validated by this! I never knew this may a thing related to phase of life -- I have been attributing it to my introverted nature. I do indeed crave my alone time, and in fact LOVE to travel alone (although I love traveling with my husband too). Thanks for the great essay.
Beautifully and artfully written. Couldn’t have expressed it better. I’m 67 and am on the other side, but let’s just put it out there that perimenopause is very real, yet it’s only the dress rehearsal for the real thing. I waited until retirement to free myself from a 40 year marriage that had gone south. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve ever been alone and I know I may be in a healing stage but I couldn’t love it more!
I'm in this place too and yes yes yes to everything you wrote! Feels like the juice was sucked out the minute the fruit ripened and it takes time to find the "new me" but more interesting than puberty was. I feel more curious, creative, and confident that I am learning myself my way, not through hideous and exhausting social filters. Solitude is as crucial to me as air.
This is such a wonderful post. Thank you. I have found my reactions to be somewhat different than yours. "My relationship with life itself has changed. Where I was bold, I am now cautious. Where I was blissfully oblivious, I am now hyperaware." I am feeling the opposite. I had a precarious childhood and many of my young adult decisions were fear based. So know, settled and comfortable in my life, I am bold where I once was cautious. When I used to be hyperaware, I am now oblivious. And let me tell you, I love it!
Great piece. Interesting that studies have to be done in order to conclude what any 5 women could tell the researcher.
Love this Lisa... it’s so true. In my work I often say to women this is the point where they get to say “this is my time” and to give less fecks about others and what they think, and more fecks about themselves (feck is an Irish, less shouty version of the usual word 😅). I certainly need far more time alone... so often saying being divorced is perfect... you have every other weekend to yourself when the kids go to their dads 😂
I love this. On so many levels. Solitude. Me space. Give much less (to no) thought about what the world expects of me. Oh, and that opening quote: Amen. Thank you for this.
I so relate to this… at the same time, with those I love, it also reminds me of the quote, “if only I could, I would absorb your pain and return it to you as love.”
In my meno brain fog, I’m not sure who said it… but quietly, on my island here… it’s what I wish. 😊
I feel this deeply in my bones.
You hit the nail on the head with this one! My husband simply said to me yesterday morning. "You want me to just be quiet now right? I can tell." Me: "Mmmhmmm." This morning he was out fishing early. I haven't said a word since I woke up or seen a soul and it's bliss. Thanks for this. I've just subscribed and looking forward to reading more of your work.
All so recognisable. The older I get, the fewer people I can tolerate around me. Being on my own a fair bit is very important. I'm way past menopause (67) but have welcomed this different life with open arms. I never knew I could be so misanthropic!