You haven’t heard from me in a while, which is probably a blessing if your inbox is anything like mine. At first, it seemed like a rut. Then, it morphed into a lovely, peaceful break. A pause in the dark before a hopeful, creative year. I have lots of notes and plenty of fantasies about a future in which I will write, voluminously and well (my little fantasy).
2024 has much different ideas about what I will be doing. January has been jammed with minor crisis and high trauma. After a short, misunderstood illness, my father fell and broke a hip. We are his only support. It makes me wish for siblings.
I could draw a map of the hospital, he’s been on tour. An emergency surgery has turned into a multi-system, slow motion emergency. We’re now familiar with many doctors, nurses, and aides. We could write a catalog of medical terms. He’s an old man with a stew of health problems and a disconcertingly long list of new challenges. He’s also my favorite person, my kind and brilliant daddy. He’s suffering.
The days are now spent in an alternate universe of caregiving and crisis management. Nothing looks or feels the same, it’s both unreal and inescapably real. I ping between hyperactivity and mute staring out windows. Nervous stomach, foggy brain, fitful sleep. There’s no fixing this, only waiting.
And so we wait.
I’ll be back. I recognize the value of this, my creative outlet. The things I want to say will reorder themselves and make their case. My situation isn’t singular and probably not even that interesting (hello sandwich generation!), but I have found solace in writing and reading. Tomorrow will be new, just as today was. I have no idea what’s coming, but I hope I can find a way to write about it. It’s the best therapy I know.
Thanks for joining me here. I hope your new year is full of goodness!
🙏 Lisa
Prayers for you and your father for peace and healing.
I feel for you and understand that alternate universe. Hospitals are so draining. Worrying about a parent is so painful. I'm sorry you're going through this and will be here for your posts whenever they come to you.