What now?
I'm not going back
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to be. I’m heartbroken, devastated, enraged, baffled.
I took vitamins and rage-walked down the middle of the road. I wrecked some eggs, made soup, smashed up a blueberry compote. I cleaned cat boxes and the toilet. I’ve sobbed and slammed. I think I have a good marriage, but we’ve been fighting since Tuesday night because we’re idiots. Heartbroken, devastated, enraged, and baffled idiots. Idiots in an idiot nation. We are upside down and inside out and not sure how to fix any of it. We can’t let them have it all.
What now? I have nothing meaningful to add to the discourse right now, but I will share those who have. Maybe some of it will help you, too.
I.
has given us this good, actionable post.“1. Survive. This is the most important thing. I also said to my husband this morning, “I’m not sure if I can do this again.” I know I’m not the only one who’s feeling that. But this is our biggest imperative. We have to survive, whatever it takes. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time.”
II. This is How Much America Still Hates Women by
.“This is our new reality, indifferent and cruel, oppressive and dominating. We can still find kindness and beauty within it, but we must also acknowledge the extent of the damage. This is not 2016. This is worse. It will take generations to reverse the political wreckage that is about to happen, and our primary task, in this moment, feels impossible.”
III. Your Life for the Price of Eggs by
.“He fits the profile of every guy who ever took what he wanted without asking, whether I liked it or not. Remorseless, arrogant, gaslighting, cruel. The problem with me is that I think facts matter. I naively think if people see the facts, it will affect them.”
IV.
with the perfect missive, What went wrong is everyone can fuck off.“It could have been beautiful. It should have been. I’m so grateful to everyone who fought so hard. So many people did. Everyone else can fuck off.”
V. Small things for the days and years ahead, a great list from
.“Never have your readers ever so needed to know that they are not alone.”
VI. Rebecca Solnit, always.
“They want you to feel powerless and to surrender and to let them trample everything and you are not going to let them. You are not giving up, and neither am I. The fact that we cannot save everything does not mean we cannot save anything and everything we can save is worth saving. You may need to grieve or scream or take time off, but you have a role no matter what, and right now good friends and good principles are worth gathering in. Remember what you love. Remember what loves you. Remember in this tide of hate what love is. The pain you feel is because of what you love.
The Wobblies used to say don't mourn, organize, but you can do both at once and you don't have to organize right away in this moment of furious mourning. You can be heartbroken or furious or both at once; you can scream in your car or on a cliff; you can also get up tomorrow and water the flowerpots and call someone who's upset and check your equipment for going onward. A lot of us are going to come under direct attack, and a lot of us are going to resist by building solidarity and sanctuary. Gather up your resources, the metaphysical ones that are heart and soul and care, as well as the practical ones.
People kept the faith in the dictatorships of South America in the 1970s and 1980s, in the East Bloc countries and the USSR, women are protesting right now in Iran and people there are writing poetry. There is no alternative to persevering, and that does not require you to feel good. You can keep walking whether it's sunny or raining. Take care of yourself and remember that taking care of something else is an important part of taking care of yourself, because you are interwoven with the ten trillion things in this single garment of destiny that has been stained and torn, but is still being woven and mended and washed.”
VII. Thanks to
for reminding us of the words of E.B. White.“I just want to tell, before I get slowed down, that I am in love with freedom and that it is an affair of long standing and that it is a fine state to be in, and that I am deeply suspicious of people who are beginning to adjust to fascism and dictators merely because they are succeeding in war. From such adaptable natures a smell rises. I pinch my nose.”
VIII. This note by
:“Morning Aftershocks
The one thing I can tell you today is that for four long years Donald Trump lived in my head. I let him in. My disgust for all he stands for and my anger and determination to fight it gave him some prime real estate. For four more years he haunted my spirit, even as I reveled in his absence from the house of our people. My anticipatory relief at “not going back,” of finally being rid of him, let me know what weight I still carried.
I’m not in denial and I’m not stupid. I know he won last night,and I am well aware of what it says about us and of the danger ahead.
But, still, I’m not going back. The promise I’m making to myself in this new Trump era is that he gets no piece of me. I’m nearly 70. I don’t know how much time I have left in this awesome and beautiful world. But I will cede no more of it to the anxiety, fear, and existential dread I felt from 2016 to 2020, and that has danced at the edge of my consciousness ever since.
I will also not join in the blaming and finger-pointing at the people who joined me in fighting this good fight. It’s not the fault of Harris’s VP pick or her earlier liberal positions or her laugh. It’s not the fault of Joe Biden for not leaving the race earlier. It’s not the fault of the Republicans who joined us after the rot they had tolerated in their party for too long, got too putrid. It is the responsibility of people who could not trust a strong, smart, competent woman to do a job as well as an insecure, ignorant and deranged felon. It’s the misogyny. Again.
I can’t want health, sanity, and safety for my country more than it wants it for itself.
I will obey the rule of law. I will fight to protect the vulnerable. I will vote, when I can, for a better deal.
But I am pledging my allegiance to the vision of America that I voted for yesterday, a place of freedom and democracy, justice and opportunity, truth, science, and progress. I will continue to teach my students about that American dream. And I am living as I would live in that country — in joy and generosity and an expansive love — and I will turn the full beam of my light on whomever comes my way.
I will not hate. I will not dread. And I will never let DJT occupy an inch of my precious heart and soul ever again. He has not won me. He never will.”
IX. Dear Men, The women in your life are not okay right now, thank you
.“I’m wondering how to move forward under a government that hates me, my sisters, my daughter, my mother, my friends. I’m wondering how my adult children and future grandchildren will survive under fascism. I’m wondering if I’ll ever vote again. I’m wondering if this ache in my heart will ever go away.”
X. From Kamala:
Only when it is dark enough can you see the stars. Let us fill the night with the light of a billion brilliant stars.
I’m not reading the news. The writers in this community are providing me with solace, connection, and information. We are not okay and it feels impossible and everyone can fuck off and facts matter and we are not giving up and we are not alone. I’m not going back. I have a new grandbaby and there are birthdays to celebrate and books to read and a big, tough fight ahead. Hydrate, get a snack.
What is helping you get through this moment?
🥀 Lisa
This is perfect - I've also been quarrelling with my husband this week - we are both rattled to our cores and punchy. Partly because husband prefers to doom scroll and re-hash/discuss what ifs 24/7, whereas I am in recovery mode, trying to claw my way out of all this darkness (And we're Canadian!) I feel such genuine sorrow and deep compassion for what so many are experiencing, especially as women. Substack again has provided good advice and a sense of community. Thank you for this, so much.
Spending much more time in nature and offline is helping me through this moment. Counting the baby ducks following their mama in the local park. Breathing in, breathing out. The world keeps turning.